Squeezable Relish

Squeezable ketchup bottles are one of the greatest inventions of all time. Squeezable mustard is also very convenient. Squeezable relish? Who ever thought of that should be shot. Repeatedly. Squeezable bottles are to relish as the old-fashioned glass bottles are to ketchup.

I always have extreme difficulty using my squeezable relish bottles. I squeeze and squeeze and nothing, or very little, comes out. If I squeeze really hard a huge glob might appear on my bun, but it's usually more than I wanted. Recently, I even had the experience where all that would come out is the liquid, leaving the solid portion behind in the bottle.

I don't know why I continue punishing myself by buying them. When this bottle runs out, I'll have to make a point of finding regular green relish in a jar as I do with other relish varieties. Even if it costs more, it's worth it to eliminate the frustration associated with the squeezable bottles.

Sugar Contains Sugar

This afternoon while at work, I for whatever reason picked up the box of sugar cubes in the lunch room and looked at the nutrition facts on the bottom. Well, to my immense surprise (not!), apparently a 4g sugar cube contains... 4g of sugar! And that reminded me of the time I looked at the nutrition info listed on a bottle of water - 0 calories, 0g fat, 0mg sodium, 0mg cholesterol, 0g carbohydrates, and 0g protein. Seems like a waste of space on the label. Who doesn't know that plain old water contains none of that? Fancy flavoured water, perhaps, but not the normal stuff. But I guess they're legally required to have that there.

But even more of a waste of space was the back of this cereal box I saw one day while doing grocery shopping. This isn't a picture of part of the box. This was the entire back panel. It sure seems funny to me that someone even felt the need to tell people that a higher percentage means more... Especially since, in addition to the percentages, they also list the quantity as well. I'd hate to meet the person who honestly can't figure out that something containing 10g of fibre has more fibre than another food that has 5g.

A Match Made in Heaven

For all you math lovers out there, let me start out with some simple algebra. If x=a and y=a, then x+y=2a, right? Where am I going with this? Well, let's see a real world example. Using this logic, it should be safe to say that if pizza=awesome and cheeseburger=awesome, then pizza+cheeseburger=double the awesomeness.

Yes, the cheeseburger pizza is indeed supremely awesome. Even more so, since technically what I made was a bacon cheeseburger pizza. After trying it once, I'm definitely going to make it again. And again. But how does one go about making a cheeseburger pizza? Well, I'm glad you asked!

First, get a regular 12" pizza shell. Second, spread on a mixture of about ⅓ cup pizza sauce and ½ cup ketchup. Then, get ½ lb of ground beef and a chopped onion and brown them on the stove. When that's done and you've drained any grease, spread it all around over the sauce.

Next, shred about 1 cup each of mozzarella and cheddar cheeses, mix them up nicely and add it to the pizza. On top of that, add a chopped up tomato, some sliced up pickles and a few slices of bacon that you've cooked and chopped up or crumbled.

Finally, cook it in the oven. For me, it was about 8 minutes at 425°F, but if your pizza shell includes suggested cooking directions it's probably best to go with them. You wouldn't want to burn the crust or have it get too crunchy.

I think I can say with absolute certainty that this is the best pizza I've ever made, although the “BBQ Chicken with Spicy Banana Peppers” one I made a few months back was very good too. But maybe next time I'll make something more traditional, like ham and pineapple. I'm sure as Easter draws near, ham will go on sale so that will be a great time to make one. But as long as it's a pizza, that's what really matters, no matter what kind it is. Remember, pizza=awesome, after all!

Stir Fry

I'm not that big a cooking fan, but every so often I like to experiment. Usually, that takes the form of a big slow cooker full of chili. I have never used a recipe to make chili, and it has never been the same twice. And then there's pizza. I always have fun making pizza. Tonight, however, I thought I'd try my hand at making some sort of stir fry.

In my skillet I cooked up some zucchini, red and green peppers, and some tofu that was leftover from when I made my last batch of miso soup, and I needed to use it up soon. Then I added a sauce I threw together using plum sauce and the last of my miso paste. Finally, I thought I'd add a packet of Chinese noodles. You know the kind—the ones that come in the little packages that only cost 25¢. And when it was done (or I thought it was done—I'm not even sure if the way I cooked it actually counted as a stir fry), it looked great. But did it taste great? No.

Well, it wasn't exactly that the taste was bad, but it just felt weird once it started gathering in my stomach. I'm not sure what the problem was. Separately, before cooking, all the ingredients tasted good. Well, except for the tofu, which has no taste at all. But together, it really didn't work well at all. I'm thinking it might have been my sauce. Perhaps I should have just left it out and let all the natural vegetable flavours stand alone. Or used straight plum sauce, without the miso paste. I've tried something else before where I mixed miso paste and sweet & sour sauce and that worked great, so maybe there's something in the plum sauce that caused a weird reaction with the miso paste. It couldn't have been that it was undercooked, since all of the ingredients can be eaten raw with no adverse effect.

But in any case, maybe stir fries just aren't really my thing. I do have childhood memories of being disappointed whenever my mom made a stir fry for dinner, so I'm not sure why I even attempted it. Or perhaps next time I should, you know, actually follow a recipe. There's enough left for two more meals, but I think I'm just going to toss the rest. I don't like wasting food, but at least all the ingredients only cost me $3 tops, so I don't feel too bad about doing so. And to make up for tonight's dinner I'll definitely have to cook a pizza tomorrow.

Coke and Egg Nog

Christmas is the time where we all get to enjoy our favourite seasonal drinks, many of which tend to involve egg nog. I used to always wonder why, if everyone loves it so much, egg nog is only ever sold around the Christmas season. If they made it year-round, wouldn't they sell a considerable amount more? But then it hit me. If egg nog was readily available the whole year it wouldn't be special anymore and interest would wane, and over time annual sales would probably only be a negligible amount more than it is currently, as a seasonal item.

But I digress.

When it comes to seasonal drinks, a personal favourite of mine for years has been Coke and egg nog. Usually when I divulge that piece of information, people react like I'm some kind of freak. Well, perhaps I am, but that's a whole discussion for another day. Whether they've tried it or not, people have a preconceived notion that this is a gross combination. I can understand not wanting to try gross things. I personally am turned off of trying oysters because they look so gross when I watch people eat them. However, Coke and egg nog is simply two decidedly non-gross things that happen to be mixed together.

Here's the puzzling thing. Ask those same people if they would like a root beer float and I'm sure they'd love to have one. When you think about it, it's actually quite similar—a carbonated drink with a dairy product added. And for a while A&W even sold root beer milkshakes. It really doesn't seem like much of a stretch from that to consider mixing Coke and egg nog. I've also heard of root beer and egg nog or ginger ale and egg nog as other good combinations, although I haven't personally tried them yet.

So here's your homework. At least once this holiday season, I challenge you to try some Coke and egg nog (I usually go with a 50/50 mix). It doesn't even have to be a whole glass if you're not too brave; just try enough to form an informed opinion. If you end up not liking it, that's fine. Everyone has different tastes. But I've known more than one person who initially thought it sounded disgusting and changed their minds after actually trying it.

How Do I Cook This?

A couple months before my parents moved away, my mom told me that I would get whatever they had in their freezer that they weren't able to use up by the time they moved. I promptly suggested that they go out right away and buy a side of beef.

When the day came, my dad brought up two good sized boxes, each about 1 foot cubed, full of... stuff. I honestly can't tell you what all is in there, as even though it's been over a month I have yet to look inside the boxes to see what I have. I keep forgetting all about it, until I go into my freezer for some ice cream or something, and notice those two boxes of stuff sitting there. But of course I'm always distracted with something else at the time and have forgotten about it again by the time I'm finished my bowl of ice cream.

Attack of the Killer Lasagne

Thinking about my broken coffee press reminded me of the last time I broke one of my dishes, a few years ago. And it was a rather spectacular event too; not one I'd like to repeat. It all began one Sunday afternoon when I decided to make a pan of lasagne...

A Plain Vanilla Post

Vanilla is a curious thing. I recently read that vanilla is the second most expensive spice, after saffron, since it's such a labour intensive process to grow the pods. And yet, vanilla has become such a common and sought after flavour. So much so, that lots of people seem to equate “vanilla” with “plain.”

Yes, it doesn't get any
fruitier than vanilla, does it?

So did I, for about the first two thirds of my life. Then at some point in my early twenties it clicked that vanilla by itself was a perfectly viable flavour, rather than the absence of a flavour like I previously considered it to be. And suddenly I had a greater appreciation for things like vanilla milkshakes, vanilla ice cream, and vanilla yogurt.

It's interesting how extremely versatile vanilla is, which I guess is why it's so widely used, despite its cost. Aside from it being a great stand-alone flavour, it complements so many other things well. Making chocolate chip cookies? The recipe includes vanilla. Want an ice cream sundae? Yep, start with vanilla ice cream and add your toppings. Order pie a-la-mode and you're never asked what flavour ice cream you want—you always get vanilla. And the one that still amazes me is Starbucks' Caramel Macchiato. Yes, the primary flavouring in that is vanilla syrup. The only caramel in it is what they drizzle on the top!

All this talk of vanilla has suddenly got me craving a vanilla latte... I don't have any vanilla syrup, but I found a very simple recipe I think I'll try. What better way to start out a lazy Saturday morning than with a nice hot vanilla latte.

Pizza: Nature's Perfect Food

This probably won't come as a surprise with me being a typical single male in North America, but one of my staple foods happens to be pizza. I rarely have pizzaria pizza though, primarily because of the cost, but also because it's really not all that healthy a thing to eat on a regular basis (but they sure do taste good!). Usually, I'll swing by the grocery store on my way home from work and pick up a nice, inexpensive, fresh deli pizza. Although occasionally, I'll have a frozen pizza. Last night, however, I decided I'd try something different and make one myself.

Hamburger

I want a burger. Yes, that would be great.
That is the food I've been craving of late.
I get out a bun and I get out the meat,
Then get all the condiments. Set them out neat.

Raw would be gross so I turn on my grill.
Finally it's hot but it's 7 minutes still
That I must wait 'til the patty is done,
So while I wait I put stuff on the bun.

Finally I hear the awaited "ding!"
So I hurry to get the meat out of that thing
And onto my bun which is ready to go.
I look at my plate and what do you know?

Now I have a hamburger. It is quite good.
It's loaded with meat like all hamburgers should.
Some relish, some mayo, a big slice of cheese,
And even some ketchup—whatever I please!

11 Haikus About Food

Yellow banana
I will eat one this morning
Just like yesterday